Thursday, April 15, 2010


They say that God doesn't leave His people, that He is always with them. They say that if there are any problems, it is simply with your perception, because God has not moved. So, it is always this: if I push the right buttons I can overcome, and go on my way rejoicing.

 No. It has never been that way. God is sovereign, and He is not at my beck and call, I am to be at His. I might do everything right, as far as anyone can tell, and still feel the emptiness of walking without Him, the dryness of the desert of no communion. Everything loses its flavor: every joy is forced, every laugh is hollow, every song (if I can sing at all) is in a minor key, for He is not there. And if you tell me that it is just my perception, I say "What's the difference?" It is hell to be without God, really, or even when it just feels like you are without God. It is all the same thing according to my perception. What is it to me that God is still there, if I cannot hear His voice? How can I derive any comfort from a present Saviour, if He does not make His presence known, if I cannot know His grace and peace filling my soul? What good is it to me that my Father is home, if I cannot go climb up into His lap, and feel His strong arm holding me tight, pulling me close? You may live far off from Him if you can, but I cannot. I don't like it when I cannot find Him anywhere. Just your telling me that He is always there, when I cannot get to Him, provides me no comfort. Oh, that I knew where I might find Him!

I see shadows, glimpses of Him out of the corner of the eye, but that is not enough. I need Him. I am thirsty, and none of these broken cisterns have any water. I am hungry, and tired of trading my money for that which is not bread. My soul thirsts for God. When shall I come and appear before God!

How long, O Lord? How long wilt Thou forget me? Forever?

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